Our kitty Pooter that we’ve had for 18 years is sick. I have sat up with him each night for a few days now just to pet him and make him comfortable. He’s not suffering sick. You just know that he’s not feeling right. Honestly, it breaks my heart.
I don’t know how to tell him that it is ok to go. I don’t know how to let him go. I wish I could tell him how much I will miss him. I wish I could tell him about death so that he understood what was happening to him. I want so much to discuss with him old age and what that does to a body. I really want to just hold him all day and all night until he finally does peacably go. I don’t want to have to make the decision to have to put him down. Yet the moment that he acts like he’s suffering I know that I can’t sit by and watch him hurt.
After Hula Hubby and I got together I moved to Florida to go to school and be nearer to him. I moved into a horrible apartment with high as a kite neighbors. One day I went over and their cat was in labor. I saw him born. He want the runt of the group. He was so small. I fell in love with him. The day I took him I knocked on their door and they let me in. There was a guy on the couch forcing a kitten to inhale the smoke from his exhaling. He was smoking pot. I grabbed the kitten and ran out the door after leaving a note that read…”Here is 10 bucks for the kitten. That is more than you will get from the pet store. If you report me for taking this kitten, I have a copy of this note and I will also tell them why I took him. I took him because you all were forcing smoke from pot up his nose and I won’t stand for that. *&^*&*I^&*&^”
So we inherited a kitten. I was 21 when I got him and I’m 39 now. He’s just a part of our every day.
In all of this I just wish that I could help him understand that going to the light would be ok. I would also make sure to tell him that Macy (our dog) would be miserable without him. He makes it his business to make sure that the dog is not lonely. My heart aches to think that he doesn’t understand what is happening to him.
I know it may seem a bit over the top that I worry about him not understanding but I have to think that this happening has to be a little scary. My heart aches tonight. I know it won’t be long.

On the 31st (next Wednesday) I will be going in for a complete hysterectomy. Yes that means tubes, ovaries; all the plumbing is being taken out. I have had many questions asking how I felt about this procedure having to happen. My answer has been the same…. not so great.
It is not easy for me to say goodbye to the part of my body that created all 9 of my precious pregnancies. I have not found it particularly easy to let go of the safe place that housed my two wonderful children for 9 months. I am not going gracefully that is for sure. There have been many times of tears, depression, anger, frustration, and procrastination. I have put this off as long as I can. Insurance was giving us the run around for over a year now. Finally the hammer has come down and they are accepting the fact that this procedure is not going to go away and THEY MUST PAY FOR ANESTHESIA NO MATTER WHAT THEY DEEM NECESARY AND NOT NECESARY.
I keep wondering if I fought this for so long due to the fact that I do not feel old enough to have this done. I do not feel 38 even though the count of my years definitely now is 38. Do I want babies at 38? No, not really. The wonder of going month to month without that flicker of excitement I think will be hard. We tried so long to have children and yanking the parts that were crucial to that seems like a foreign concept to me.
In true form my body has decided to take one more run around the block just for kicks and giggles. Yesterday because the moon might have been fixed right in the universe the not quite functioning part of me decided to kick in for one last, “HURRAH!” and start a full few weeks early. This has put a damper on the last weekend of HH and I being together (yes in that way) before the 6-week hiatus. The last period I had was the weekend of my birthday. Yep, the weekend we went away to Vegas. That was the 8th. Yesterday was the 24th. I HAVE NOT HAD A BREAK IN BETWEEN…GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
So in writing this I have discovered the one GREAT thing about this procedure. No more planning weekends around my periods. WOO HOO
So do you feel like you are on the roller coaster from crazy land? The ups and the downs are just so unsettling. I wonder if a lot of other women feel the same way or if I am the only loon on the fence?

My grandparents owned a large farm when they were living. In this farm house it had 4 main bedrooms upstairs, on the main level it had a parlor that had been converted into a bedroom and then downstairs it had enough room to house a small army of farm hands. There was never a lack of kitties to cuddle, dogs to ride and bulls to tick off.
They owned this dog named Tyke. Tyke was a HUGE dog to me. He was fluffy, fuzzy and had feet that were the size of my mother’s feet I was convinced. Tyke use to let us ride him when we were little and get up on his back. He normally took us and dropped us off. (literally) He would sit his bottom down generally where the newest batch of baby kittens had been added. He was no dummy. Show a little girl a kitten and the attention gets diverted to the babies.
As we got older the farm seemed to get a bit boring, but….. (more…)

“What part of blessing do you not understand?” Sometimes I feel that way when I look at my children after a hard day. I try to convince and remind myself that they are a blessing when in fact HB pulled the dogs tail which made the dog nip at HG or when HG nags endlessly at HB about how she is the older child and what she says goes! Sometimes I feel that way when I look at my health related issues and I want to scream out in anger and frustration.
HB reminded me again today of the little “isms” that bring me to my knees. I have been a little upset may be even a little depressed over the outcome of last week. I have been encouraged that I do in fact feel better but I am still in the healing process. HB said to me this morning, “Mommy, I know lots of things, but I don’t really understand everything I know.” That boy has insight beyond his years I tell you. He is humble enough to know that he has head knowledge but not the understanding of that knowledge.
My hope for this week is to find the understanding and have the strength to take the truth no matter what it may be. I have those days though where I do not have the foresight to understand the blessings that come out of a hard situation. Though my tears, in humility I admit I do not understand, but my hope is that I am not blinded by frustration and I can see the little shards of blessings that make the trip worthwhile.

9/11, yes I do remember that day. I remember that HB was not born yet. HG was just going to Preschool. On our way to preschool I was shocked and saddened to hear the reports. We were on our way to school to have a popcorn party because all of the children had been good all month. They were thrilled that they would be able to have popcorn and watch a 20 minute movie. As I was listening I remember the horror when I heard the 1st tower fall. The thought that small children can not comprehend adult talk is for the birds. HG piped up and asked if the plane had hit the building. I responded that indeed it had done so. I then gave myself a mental kick for not thinking that her little ears were listening to the radio along with me.
In the back seat I heard a small voice say, ” Mommy, I bet Jesus is having a big popcorn party in heaven for everyone that is coming home.” Amidst my tears I responded feeling a bit comforted by her words.
Funny how through the mouths of babes we see truth and comfort. The original post in down below.

My heart goes out to all of the families that suffered loss. We remember you. We will not forget.
(more…)

In the past weeks I have been contemplative about who I am and what my purpose is since the children have started back to school. Being that being a mommy is the only thing I have known now for 10 years it was difficult to let my children start school. All that “free time” was not really my time, it was just time to keep our business going and keep the house in order.
In the past few days I have come to ponder these things at a higher level. I was sent my favorite song from a friend as encouragement and it brought me to my knees. The chorus ALWAYS brings a tear to my eye and reminds me of my place in this world. I do not talk much of my beliefs on my blog due to the fact that I do respect others who do not believe the way that I do and care about them despite the difference. I just need to share a bit of my spiritual self.
Casting Crowns - Who am I
(if you want to hear the song I have included the utube below)
“Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who You are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling,
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours.
I am Yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who You are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling,
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours.
I am Yours.”

I am Yours”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT7×3VnrqbA
The fact is that now I need to draw on my Peace. This is just a temporary hiccup. It can only last this lifetime. This is the first night that I have had inner peace because I do know who I am…..I know I am His.

Hula Girl asked Santa for a new bed this Christmas. Santa is seeing to getting it done. In the meantime I have felt like one of Santa’s elves getting ready for the great reveal on Christmas morning.
This weekend we cleaned out her room to the extreme. As I started going through her toys I asked her if she was ready to let some of them go. Her answer was a solid “Yes”. I was stunned. She has been my pack rat since the day she could pack rat. I asked her to make a pile out of the section in her closet and chose the things that she was ready to let go. As she said, “Mommy, do you think another little girl would like these things.” a lump stuck in the back of my throat. I had to fight the tears that were threatening to spill over. “Yes” I replied. “I know a little girl would feel very lucky to have the things that you no longer play with.” As she started going through everything I realized that as the pile got bigger, my emotions became very overwhelming. She asked me if we could take the things to the shelter downtown and if she could hand her precious My Little Pony collection, and her cherished Polly Pockets that she had meticulously taken care of over to a new caretaker. I swallowed hard. I asked her if she was sure she was ready. Her response….”Mommy I do not play with them as often as I probably should. I know that these are very popular with the little girls. I would much rather give them to someone that would love them as much as I did then let them sit and collect dust in my closet.” “Also I know that if I did miss them I could remember the look on her face when I handed it to her and I would be OK.” With that I had to leave the room. Was it me holding tight to her childhood? Was it me that was holding her back and not letting her give the way she felt she should. Yes it was. As I sat there with the box of toys I realized that these toys held sentimental meaning to me as well as to her. She was willing to let go. I was not. She was willing to let go. I was selfishly holding on.
As a mother I learn so much from my children. I have always taught them not to hold on to material things because they do not bring joy. Yet there I was clutching Barbie not willing to look at the joy it could bring to another. I was selfishly holding on to these things in hopes that my children would not grow up. Time is not waiting for me to come to grips with her maturity and age.
As I cleaned out the past I found new hope that we would have a new beginning in a new room. We would make more memories. She will still need me. I will still need her. It was just another season of her life. She is ready to bloom. I get to stand by and watch her blossom into a beautiful young lady.

I was in the guest room looking at some pictures last night when I came across my parent’s wedding picture. As I peered into my mother’s face I realized that I remembered her that way. Somewhere in the depths on my brain I remember my beautiful mother as young and vibrant. I remember her flawless skin and her beautiful hazel eyes that held such a love for life.
She was 25 when she married my father. She was a city girl. He was a country boy. Their first date was a year before they married. He took her to church. When he asked her to marry him he said, “Well, I guess we have got to get married.” She responded with “I haven’t done anything for you to presume that we have to do anything!” My father always had a way with words.
At 27 she gave birth to me and then thirteen months later to my sister. She worked full time as a nurse in the cardiac unit. She loved her patients and they loved her. Our home as a child was filled with artwork that some of them had done. The pieces are still there in the same place today.
Looking through the photo albums I see that she had no idea what life would throw her. Her life was still an unwritten story that we had the privilege of being the one of the main characters.
A strange feeling of been there, done that came over me. She had been in my place only years previous. In her eyes I saw myself. The same hazel green brown eyes that looked back at me when I looked in a mirror. I saw the same look of anticipation and wonder at what life would hold.

The aspirations of my childhood were to be an opera singer. I could shrill the high notes with the best of them. I would act out what I thought was happening on stage at home in my basement. I would get dressed up like the princess of all and sing my heart out. Personally, I don’t know how my parents stood listening to me “pump up the volume” with opera shaking the house. Yes, I was an odd child.
I had dreams of being an opera star until I was 16. I took voice lessons, acting lessons, and I modeled on the side. I went to try out for a part in a small local theater downtown and was told by a man who somewhat acted like Simon, “You have perfect pitch but you lack the confidence to strike out. You are average.”
Being told that I was average when I had been on the fast track since I was 7 years old shook my world. Being a prodigy and giving concerts at an early age helped to puff up my confidence. I had swept every vocal and piano competition I had ever been in. Nothing would stand between me and my dream. Someone did though. Looking back being that I had everything from an early age, I was not equipped to handle the harsh words of being average. I had been anything but average all my life.
The words lingered in my brain from that point on. Not that they were harsh words at all but that they were words I had never heard before. I wondered at that point if my parents had done me a disservice by giving me the ability to be great at such an early age and never had rejection on a professional level. At the same time I was deciding about college my parents strongly voiced that they really did not want me to seek out acting and stage. It would never pay anything. They wanted me to pursue being a teacher, so I did.
I discovered after my first year of college that I wanted to be anything but a teacher. I did not have the patience with the younger children and the teenagers were too close to my age so I was just one of them. My mind constantly went back to the fact that I wanted to perform on stage. Forget the rejection I could do it. Unfortunately, my spirit had been broken by a feather of a comment made in my past.
I chucked everything and decided to tour with a heavy metal band. That combined two aspects that I loved. I loved to perform and sing. I had to of course rough up my voice a bit, hang out in many smoking sections (even though I didn’t smoke) to try to develop the hard edge of an 80’s rocker. That was short lived because I settled down in Florida with Hula Hubby
Theater was my passion and my love. As I got older I noticed that all of my girlfriends were calling me to be by their side when they gave birth. I was one of the last to get married so I had attended 24 births by the time I finally did get married. The old flame in me started to burn. I did not recognize it at first. My passion matured and grew. I knew that one day I would finish out but I did not want to be a mid wife. I did not want to be responsible for the medical aspect. I wanted to be there in a supporting role. I did a ton of research (this was in 1997) and doula’s were around but not as common. I decided then and there that one day after my children were a little older I would pursue and finish one dream.
The end of next year is the goal to be finished with my certifications. It is odd to see the path that my dreams have traveled and how many twists and turns they have made. I needed to develop a thicker skin to be able to handle what was in front of me. Being a parents has required thicker skin. Being a doula when the mother is going into transition will require an underlying confidence in them that they can draw from.
My dreams were larger than life. Even now they are still larger than life to me. One day I will look back and see that everything that happened when I was younger was to prepare me for the new path. The dream of seeing new life brought into this world every day. The gift of seeing a new relationship born. The ability to advocate for women. That is far greater than I can imagine. I can not wait!

If only I knew then, before children how drastically my life would change. Would I still make the choice to become a parent? That is a simple question to answer. Of course yes.
Some of the things I thought I knew before I became a parent, I realized shortly there after that I knew jack diddly. Of course I had read and re read the books. But when it came down to putting it into practice I realized that I felt sorely unprepared. This responsibility was far bigger than I ever imagined. It was even bigger than my heart could handle at times. Especially when they would make wrong choices and natural consequences would happen. My heart could barely stand the sobbing.
I always knew that my children would be a part of me and that they would own a piece of my heart. I just never realized that they would own my heart completely in a totally different capacity than I had ever experienced. The love that I feel for them is something that I can’t even describe. It is beyond measure.
If only I knew then how much joy they would bring me every day and how crazy they could make me at times!!! I could not imagine my life without them. They are a gift I never expected to have, but have been blessed enough to receive. I have been grateful every day for being entrusted with their care.
I often read them the book, “Just In Case You Ever Wonder” by Max Lucado and pray that they never wonder about their importance in our lives. I hope they never wonder about their importance to us or to the ultimate plan that is laid out for their lives. Not our plan mind you but the Ultimate Planner’s plan. (wow say that 10 times fast!)
I think as parents sometimes we get caught up in their accomplishments and failures that undo pressure gets put on them to perform. GUILTY. I also think that our children will go the direction that they choose their lives to go. We can only give them guidance, support, training in the early years and then offer them their wings later on and let go.
I am blessed beyond measure. I feel very unprepared and unworthy of the task that lays ahead of me. It will surely be a labor of love. If only I would have known what truly lay ahead of me, I would still make the same choice to become a mother.